Ask Dr. Internet

Typically, a picture on the Internet will look like this.

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2. What is "spam"? What kind of advertising is allowed on the Internet?

Spam is Spiced Ham, which is to say it is a form of amateur radio with electronic components designed using the SPICE circuit design modeller. This was very popular during World War II ("Spam, Spam, the Serviceman's Ham" was a frequent motto). During the battle of Iwo Jima, three Marines used Spam to transmit advertisements to U.S. forces; this was immortalized in a photograph of them raising their antenna, along with a flag, on a mountain top, and so we remember them today by calling such widely broadcast advertisements Spam.

It is a misconception that advertising is prohibited on the Internet. Permits for Internet advertising are available from a law firm run by a pair of skilled Internet experts. These permits, or green cards, allow any Internet user to send an advertisement to thousands of newsgroups, even if the group has no relevance to the product being advertised. This is a very successful marketing technique, and will generate many e-mail responses.

3. What are FAQ lists?

On many newsgroups, the same questions come up again and again and again. Inevitably, two or more factions insists that theirs is the one canonical answer; the resulting flame wars elevate these issues to the rank of Furiously Argued Questions. At some point, moderates on the group--not to be confused with moderators--exert some centrist control. As a way to prevent these arguments from flaring up again, the FAQs are compiled in a list. New users should read the list to determine which questions they must never ask, as that will just plunge the entire group back into this circular debate.

Needless to say, the most common FAQ in any group is "Where can I find the FAQ list?"

4. Is there really an online Coke machine? How do I use it?

Yes, there are actually several Coke machines hooked up to the Internet. Unfortunately, you can't really use them unless your Internet connection runs over an ISDN (Integrated Soft Drink Network) line. Even that won't solve all your problems. In order to pay for your drink, you'll have to use one of two competing plans to allow security of monetary transactions over the net. Coca-Cola is endorsing Soda HTTP (HTTP-S) while Pepsi-Cola is backing the Soda Security Layer (SSL).

Given the existence of Coke machines on the net, it was predictable that companies like Pizza Hut would start taking pizza delivery orders via the net. Unfortunately, this system isn't completely working yet; orders for double anchovies seem to cause 100% packet loss.

5. How do I insure no one else is reading my e-mail?

Many antique stores sell old tripod cameras, the kind where the photographer held a pan of flash powder aloft and then ducked under a heavy black hood. I recommend buying one of these and attaching it to your monitor. When you duck under the hood, no one will be able to look over your shoulder; if they do, you can always blind them temporarily with the flash powder.

Some people are so concerned about their online privacy that they use e-mail encryption. Unfortunately, most of these people were pretty cryptic to begin with, leaving us with no way to understand their messages.

6. I am afraid that I'm becoming a network nerd. How can I tell for sure?

How many syllables do you think there are in the word "coax"?

Tune in next time for Ask Dr. Internet--
"I have a master's degree....in Internet!"

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Dr. Internet, Master of All Knowledge
Benedictine On the Rocks With a Twist
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